It’s the end of January, and you know what that means. It’s time to get together with your friends, crack open some beers, and gather around the TV. It’s time to laugh and cry and shout obscenities. That’s right people, are you ready for some State of the Union address? We are, and we’ve come up with a drinking game to prove it.
“Let me be clear” – sip
(If he’s actually clear- pound)
“Scott Brown” – sip
“My name is Barack Obama, and I also have a truck” – pound
“It reminds of my childhood in Kenya” – pound
Irreverent commentary on the news of the day, including rants and ruminations about the latest political antics.
Ponderings and pontifications about TV, film, music, books, fads, and other spheres of high and low culture.
Must-see videos from around the Internets, including comedy clips, news bytes, spoofs, and viral sensations.
It sounds to me like Utah State Senator Chris Buttars has some serious issues with “the Gays.” He’ll allow them to rent and own property, but anything beyond that seems out of the question. Now, don’t get him wrong, he meets with “the Gays” here and there. Hell, they were at his house two weeks ago, and he’s TOTALLY not making that up. Just ask my girlfriend, who you can’t meet because she’s from Canada, she was there when “the Gays” came over.
Watch the video and see if you can pick up why Senator Buttars has a problem with “the Gays” (by the way, “the Gays” sounds like some sort of new Emo band)
“I meet with the gays here and there. They were in my house two weeks ago. I don’t mind gays. But I don’t want them stuffin’ it down my throat all the time…and certainly in my kids face.”
Now, some might say this is a poor choice of words. I disagree. I say, this is just a man who is getting down to the meat of the situation. Some people see this as a long, hard conversation that, with enough massaging, will inevitably end up a hot sticky mess for the state of Utah. Senator Buttars is trying to end it quickly, pre-maturely if you will.
He knows his style isn’t popular, but he strikes me as a man who is used to cuming from behind and ending up on top. He’s called “the Gays” and Lesbians “the greatest threat to America going down” and compared them to radical Muslims. I think deep down he’s just trying to say, he wants THEM to go down, because he’s tired and doesn’t want them stuffin’ it down his throat.
Why his kid would be there is beyond me. He is from Utah though, they’re a little sick over there.
2009 was a year stuffed to the gills with egregious behavior from spectacularly ridiculous people. With so many crude epithets at our disposal to describe these knuckleheads, none is so apropos as the one sobriquet that aptly describes quitters, hecklers, teabaggers, extortionists, and balloon hoaxers alike: douchebags.
Given the explosion of douchiness all around us, we had to dig deep to select these profiles in ignominy, but here they are — our awards for this year’s 20 biggest douchebags in America. And the Douchies go to…
In an era of rampant right-wing paranoia, no one has done more to fan the flames of conspiratorial idiocy than FOX News Channel’s Glenn Beck. A faux populist and self-described “rodeo clown,” Beck is a champion for reality-impaired Americans everywhere who lack the ability to think, reason, or spell. Normally, someone fitting Beck’s psychological profile would simply be left alone on a park bench to shout his unhinged insanity at squirrels and pigeons. But thanks to FOX News (and presumably regular injections of Thorazine), Beck commands a 2.6 million-strong wingnut army hell-bent on taking back America from all the gay Marxist Muslim illegal immigrant socialists running our government.
Douchiest Achievements: Beck accused Obama of being a “racist” who has a “deep-seated hatred for white people,” which led to an advertiser exodus from his show (not to worry, he still has sponsors peddling penis enlargers and egg cookers). In his most laughable moment, Beck claimed he had deciphered a secret code proving Obama was trying to create an 
“Oligarhy,” which is a form of government that steals letters from illiterate morons and gives them to the wealthy few. Other Beck conspiracy theories include accusations that the Obama administration has secret plans to force abortions and put sterilants in the drinking water to control population; use health care reform to recreate Nazi eugenics; and create a “civilian national security force” just like Hitler did. Beck is a man so passionate about his convictions that he won’t hesitate to rub on Vick’s Vapor rub to get the tears flowing so that he can sobbingly proclaim, “I love my country — but I fear for it!”
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Declaring that everyone is Hitler, except for himself.
Quote: “Satan’s mentally challenged younger brother.” –Stephen King, describing Beck
~Dan
Yo Glenn Beck, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but Kanye West was the biggest douchebag of 2009! Of 2009!
Despite his talents as a rapper and hip-hop artist, Kanye tends to be known more for his freakishly large ego than his music. He once said “God chose me. He made the path for me. I’m God’s vessel.” God’s vessel? More like the Lord’s douchebag.
Douchiest Achievement: At the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye West cemented himself in douche history when he jumped up on stage to interrupt Taylor Swift’s award acceptance speech. “Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of the year.” Or something like that. It’s hard to remember what was actually said since the Internet was quickly flooded with so many spoofs of the event. No less an authority than President Obama officially declared Kanye a “jackass.” As Conan O’Brien joked, “Not since ‘yes, we can’ has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.” We’re pretty sure that’s why he won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Anywhere but the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.
Quote: “My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.” –Kanye West
~Warren
Jon & Kate Plus 8 started as a peek into the life of a couple beset (through fertility treatments) with sextuplets and twins. The show quickly became a chronicle of serial emasculation, a testament to birth control, and a horrific meta-vessel of overexposure and gilded mega-breeder entitlement (e.g., renewal of vows in Hawaii, hair plugs for Jon / tummy tuck for Kate, McMultiplesMansion in Pennsylvania, shark-jumping crossover with American Chopper). Soon enough, the Gosselins’ marriage cratered, TLC decided to dump Jon from the show, and then he blew up the whole gravy train – for the sake of the children, of course, and not because Big Daddy was getting cut out. (Hopefully, the TV residuals can help him cover the costs of the recent psycho-renovation of his Manhattan bachelor pad.)
Douchiest Achievements: Kate: Multiple TV appearances where she expressed her heartbreak, clutched her wedding ring, reaffirmed her devotion to her litter, and turned on the waterworks; the Access Hollywood 
outtake where she told her parched daughter to get her own fucking water bottle; shooting a pilot with Paula Deen (?!?) for an umpteenth clucking-hen coffee-klatch morning show (working title: Butter and the Beast); and, sweet Jebus, having that hairdo on purpose. Jon: nailing any 20ish chick within a 500-foot radius, including schoolteachers, tabloid reporters, the babysitter, and the daughter of Kate’s plastic surgeon; taking a couple hundred grand from the joint bank account, presumably to replenish the roofies-and-lube fund; breaking free from Kate’s ballbusting shackles, only to submit to the 16-ton testes-steamroller that is Nancy Grace; fraternizing with world’s worst celebrity dad Michael Lohan and Ed Hardy good-taste assassin Christian Audigier, thus ascending to his rightful place in the newly-formed Axis of Douchebag.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Not seen at all. (This is only Kind of a Lark’s and the western world’s most fervent hope. Actual results may, and likely will, vary.)
Quote: Any quotes from these losers would only feed the monster. We’ve got to draw the line somewhere. (For the sake of the children!)
~loukip
Most sentient Americans rightly concluded during the 2008 election that Sarah Palin was a blathering idiot. But in 2009, we learned that she is also a maniacal, conspiratorial, paranoid douchebag who is here to stay. This, of course, is bad news for American democracy in general and Republicans in particular, who are still too busy ogling her mavericky caboose to notice she’s leading them straight off a cliff. But it’s good news if you’re a Democrat who enjoys a spectacular trainwreck or a comedian who likes punchlines that write themselves.
Douchiest Achievements: Palin claimed an Obama “death panel” could kill her child. She publicly trashed her daughter’s baby daddy (and fellow douchebag) Levi Johnston as part of a bitter feud that became so ridiculous, even Vladimir Putin couldn’t believe what he was seeing from his house. She 
accused David Letterman of being a pervert because of a joke she did not get. She published a score-settling work of fiction that was best summed up by a former McCain aide who said it contained “elements of truth underlying a narrative that is completely false.” She gave her seal of approval to the “Birthers” (see Orly Taitz below) who claim Obama was born in Kenya, saying his birth certificate is “rightfully” an issue with the American public. She raised the specter of a Palin/Glenn Beck 2012 ticket, presumably because the world is going to end anyway. Not to mention the fact that she quit as governor after only two and a half years for reasons that only William Shatner could possibly make sense of. Quitter Palin somehow managed to out-laughingstock the laughingstock she became during the 2008 campaign, neatly encapsulated by the year’s best bumper sticker: Palin 2012 – 2014 1/2.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Writing a second book titled “Going Shopping” and quitting halfway through.
Quote: “Only dead fish go with the flow.” –Sarah Palin, quitting, July 3, 2009
~Dan
(more…)
If you’ve ever thought about boasting about your sex life or complaining about your boss on Facebook, you might want to think again. We don’t if all of these are legit, but here are the funniest Facebook status updates we’ve come across this year that went horribly (and hilariously) awry.
Follow Kind of a Lark on Twitter | Become a Fan on Facebook
10. The 7 Most Depressing Songs Ever Sung By a Muppet (Topless Robot)
9. Top 10 Apologies of 2009 (Time)
8. 25 Most Embarrassing Political Moments of the Decade (About.com)
7. The 20 Most Bizarre Craigslist Ads of All Time (Telegraph)
6. 25 Awesome Cubicle Pranks (Holy Taco)
5. Top 10 Moments Caught on Google Maps Street View (urlesque)
4. The 15 Best News Bloopers of All Time (Huffington Post)
3. The 40 Funniest Protest Signs of 2009 (About.com)
2. 11 Sexy Photos Totally Ruined by People in the Background (11 Points)
1. 11 Photos of People Totally Ruined by Sex in the Background (11 Points)
In the need of some extra spending money, Conan O’Brien takes a seasonal job at Best Buy.
Republicans say they have found their fresh new face in the corpse of Ronald Reagan, recently back from the dead.
Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP
Top Ten Captions For This Photo
10. “You look very familiar…have we met?” -Warren
9. “I have seen the enemy, and it is us.” -Mitch
8. “Palin’s 2012 dream ticket.” -Beth
7. “In order to boost sales, Sarah Palin resorts to cloning herself. There is no increase however since Sarah Palin doesn’t actually read. In other news, snow mobile sales are through the roof, and wolves have become extinct in Alaska.” -Warren
6. “In a surprising move, Sarah Palin shows up at Tina Fey’s book signing.” -Chagnasty
5. “Liz Lemon??? Is that really you? I could have used your ‘Deal-breaker” advice last year.” -Csilla
4. “It’s not often you see two of the same model terminator in one spot.” -Kevin
3. “The Ghost of Paranoid Politics Past returns from the 1950s to reclaim its hair.” -Honor
2. “Oh jeez, you *do* look just like me! Say, just between you and me… can you take over the tour when we hit the South? Book signing is hard work, and I’ve been itching to find something to quit lately.” -Lou
1. “With their powers combined, together they can almost finish one term!” -MJ
I’m not going to hell.
I live a pretty moral life overall—I’m good to my wife and kids, I volunteer in the community, I love animals, etc. So I don’t think I’m hellbound.
Not because of the things I mentioned, but because frankly, I don’t think there will be any room down there what with all these professional athletes clogging up the system.
That’s right, a bunch of professional athletes are all headin’ to the land of fire and brimstone, according to the Amazing Grace Baptist Church of North Carolina. The church recently released a list of professional athletes that should be prepared for a future of devils, fiends, demons, and tax collectors.
Topping the Index of Ungodly Athletes is none other than that despicable, horrific human being, Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. According to the church, Brady is number one with a bullet because he “is teaching us to have sex outside of marriage, to commit fornication, don’t marry and do the right thing, don’t take responsibility for your actions, have a good time no matter who you hurt in this world, go from sex partner to sex partner, and it’s okay because of who I am.” Ouch!
Brady is not alone. The church has also selected retired Serbian basketball player Marko Jaric because of his crime of being “engaged to Victoria’s Secret supermodel Adriana Lima.” The cad!
Also on the list are wrestler Torrie Wilson who “committed an abomination by kissing a female wrester ‘Sable’ on the lips.”
Joakim Noah of the Chicago Bulls is there because he “has long hair, which is disobedient to the Word of God.” Didn’t Jesus have kind of a pony tail?
Rounding out the bottom of the list is Arizona Cardinals backup quarterback Matt Leinart for “teaching teenagers not to save themselves for their spouse, but to live it up because you only live life once.” Yeah … so?
But my favorite is former St. Louis Ram Adam Archuleta. This poor sap lost his job with the winless Rams and is now toiling for the Las Vegas Locomotives of this new football league called the United Football League, which for a former NFL player has got to be hell on earth. But no, the Amazing Grace Baptist Church wants to send Archuleta to the great down under because he’s “engaged to a Playboy Playmate, Jennifer Walcott. They have one son. This is called fornication, and we all know what their son is called, the same thing the Bible calls him.”
I’m hoping it’s Bob, but my good sense says that’s not what the church was thinking of.
We’ve all used, or at the very least, heard of Wikipedia—the user sustained “free encyclopedia” on the Web. Well, thanks to columnist Leonard Pitts of the Miami Herald, I have discovered the right wing version of Wikipedia—Conservapedia: The Trustworthy Encyclopedia.”
Wait a minute, you say … you didn’t realize that there needed to be a right-wing version of Wikipedia? Well, that’s probably because you’re a liberal commie socialist who agrees with all those so-called “facts” and “authenticated research” that pollutes Wikipedia. You see, according to the people behind Conservapedia, Wikipedia is a bastion of liberalism which is poisoning our country’s collective minds.
Conservapedia, however, aims to put the truth out, as long as it agrees with a viewpoint shared by the religious right. As Pitts writes, “You may judge Conservapedia’s own bias by reading its definition of liberal: ’someone who rejects logical and biblical standards. There are no coherent liberal standards; often a liberal is merely someone who craves attention, and who uses many words to say nothing.”
Since I don’t want to be accused of using many words to say nothing (although readers of my past columns may agree that description is dead on), I will just provide a little info on Conservapedia.
The founder of Conservapedia is none other than Andrew Schlafly, son of ultra-conservative spokeswoman Phylllis Schlafly (you might remember her from my column on the conservative “hottie” calendar). Anyhoo, this wingnut has come up with a site that is true comic gold—the “Comstock Lode” of humor as it were. Check out the “Debate Topics” section on their website. There are 19 topics listed under the heading “philosophical debates,” six listed under “historical debates,” six more under “humorous debates” (example – Was the shooting at Virginia Tech somehow President Bush’s fault? – seriously, they think that’s humorous?), 65 topics listed under “religious debates” and a whopping 88 topics under the heading “political debates” with the last topic being “Is Obama an Athiest?”
The other thing that Schlafly and his band of loonies are doing is rewriting the Bible. Yes, rewriting the Bible. According to Pitts’ article, the Conservative Bible Project proposes to “correct the Bible by creating a new translation based upon 10 principles … and to exclude ‘liberal passages’ they say were inserted into the original text. One such would be the well-known story of the adulterous woman brought before Christ by a crowd eager to see her punished; Jesus says the one without sin should cast the first stone.”
That darn Jesus—what a crazy liberal he was!
So if Wikipedia is a left-wing liberal whorehouse, and Conservapedia is an ultra-right wing, religious clusterfuck, where do fair-minded moderates go for accurate, unbiased information?
Seriously, where do we go? I’ll take my answer off the air…
 |
 |
Subscribe to our feed
