December 30, 2009 | by The Lark Staff | 42 Comments
The Douchebag of the Year Awards

It was a year stuffed to the gills with egregious behavior from spectacularly ridiculous people. With so many crude epithets at our disposal to describe these knuckleheads, none is so apropos as the one sobriquet that aptly describes quitters, hecklers, teabaggers, extortionists, and balloon hoaxers alike: douchebags.

Given the explosion of douchiness all around us, we had to dig deep to select these profiles in ignominy, but here they are — our awards for this year’s 20 biggest douchebags in America.

Read the full story »

Featured, News & Politics, Political Humor »

January 26, 2010 | by Warren | One Comment

It’s the end of January, and you know what that means. It’s time to get together with your friends, crack open some beers, and gather around the TV. It’s time to laugh and cry and shout obscenities. That’s right people, are you ready for some State of the Union address? We are, and we’ve come up with a drinking game to prove it.

Obama Text

The rules are simple. When any of the words or phrases are said, you drink the corresponding amount. If any of the actions happen, you drink the corresponding amount. Make sense? Good, then let’s get our drunken State of the Union on.

Words or Phrases:

“Let me be clear” – sip
(If he’s actually clear – pound)
“Make no mistake” – sip
(If he actually makes a mistake – pound)
“Healthcare” – sip
“Obamacare”– pound
“Scott Brown” – sip
“My name is Barack Obama, and I also have a truck” – pound
“Pants on the ground” – pound
“Death panel” – sip
“Sarah Palin is a genius” – pound
“Afghanistan”  – sip
“It reminds of my childhood in Kenya” – pound
“Spending freeze”– sip
“That’s why I’m naming Glenn Beck as my new Secretary of State” – six pack
“Special Olympics”– sip
“For the record, Ayla Brown is no longer available…if you know what I mean” -pound
“Beer Summit”– sip
“My Muslim faith” – pound
“Across the aisle” – sip
“We are all Kenyans now” – pound
“Jackass” – sip
“That is why our newly signed pact with the devil will help” – pound
“Unfriend”– sip
“Rectum? Damn near killed him! HAHAHA” – pound
Obama Excuse me“Same-sex”  – sip
“Which is why I won the Nobel Prize.” – pound
“Party crashers” –sip
“By the power vested in me, Massachusetts is no longer a state.” – pound
“Tweet” – sip
“Thanks to the wisdom of Rush Limbaugh.” – pound
“Stimulus package” –sip
“I’m proud of the balls the Democrats have shown this past year.” – pound
“Bailout” – sip
“Pull the plug on grandma” – pound (more…)

Funny & Random, News & Politics »

January 16, 2010 | by Warren | Leave Comment

It sounds to me like Utah State Senator Chris Buttars has some serious issues with “the Gays.”  He’ll allow them to rent and own property, but anything beyond that seems out of the question.  Now, don’t get him wrong, he meets with “the Gays” here and there. Hell, they were at his house two weeks ago, and he’s TOTALLY not making that up. Just ask my girlfriend, who you can’t meet because she’s from Canada, she was there when “the Gays” came over.

Watch the video and see if you can pick up why Senator Buttars has a problem with “the Gays” (by the way, “the Gays” sounds like some sort of new Emo band)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-U1uFbqO260[/youtube]

I meet with the gays here and there. They were in my house two weeks ago. I don’t mind gays. But I don’t want them stuffin’ it down my throat all the time…and certainly in my kids face.”

Now, some might say this is a poor choice of words. I disagree. I say, this is just a man who is getting down to the meat of the situation.  Some people see this as a long, hard conversation that, with enough massaging, will inevitably end up a hot sticky mess for the state of Utah.  Senator Buttars is trying to end it quickly, pre-maturely if you will.

Buttars Oral

He knows his style isn’t popular, but he strikes me as a man who is used to cuming from behind and ending up on top.  He’s called “the Gays” and Lesbians “the greatest threat to America going down” and compared them to radical Muslims.  I think deep down he’s just trying to say, he wants THEM to go down, because he’s tired and doesn’t want them stuffin’ it down his throat.

Why his kid would be there is beyond me. He is from Utah though, they’re a little sick over there.

Featured, Funny & Random, Humor, List Mania »

December 22, 2009 | by peter andersen | Leave Comment

If you’ve ever thought about boasting about your sex life or complaining about your boss on Facebook, you might want to think again. We don’t if all of these are legit, but here are the funniest Facebook status updates we’ve come across that went horribly (and hilariously) awry.

1. Dry Spell Is Over

Dry Spell Is Over

2. I Hate My Job

I Hate My Job

3. Publicly Announced Sex

Publicly Announced Sex

(more…)

Featured, News & Politics, Political Humor »

November 24, 2009 | by peter andersen | One Comment

Sarah Palin Meets Her Double

Top Ten Captions For This Photo

10. “You look very familiar…have we met?” -Warren

9. “I have seen the enemy, and it is us.” -Mitch

8. “Palin’s 2012 dream ticket.” -Beth

7. “In order to boost sales, Sarah Palin resorts to cloning herself. There is no increase however since Sarah Palin doesn’t actually read. In other news, snow mobile sales are through the roof, and wolves have become extinct in Alaska.” -Warren

6. “In a surprising move, Sarah Palin shows up at Tina Fey’s book signing.” -Chagnasty

5. “Liz Lemon??? Is that really you? I could have used your ‘Deal-breaker” advice last year.” -Csilla

4. “It’s not often you see two of the same model terminator in one spot.” -Kevin

3. “The Ghost of Paranoid Politics Past returns from the 1950s to reclaim its hair.” -Honor

2. “Oh jeez, you *do* look just like me! Say, just between you and me… can you take over the tour when we hit the South? Book signing is hard work, and I’ve been itching to find something to quit lately.” -Lou

1. “With their powers combined, together they can almost finish one term!” -MJ

Funny & Random, Sports »

October 24, 2009 | by fathead | Leave Comment

Tom Brady: Going to Hell

I’m not going to hell.

I live a pretty moral life overall—I’m good to my wife and kids, I volunteer in the community, I love animals, etc. So I don’t think I’m hellbound.

Not because of the things I mentioned, but because frankly, I don’t think there will be any room down there what with all these professional athletes clogging up the system.

That’s right, a bunch of professional athletes are all headin’ to the land of fire and brimstone, according to the Amazing Grace Baptist Church of North Carolina. The church recently released a list of professional athletes that should be prepared for a future of devils, fiends, demons, and tax collectors.

Topping the Index of Ungodly Athletes is none other than that despicable, horrific human being, Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. According to the church, Brady is number one with a bullet because he “is teaching us to have sex outside of marriage, to commit fornication, don’t marry and do the right thing, don’t take responsibility for your actions, have a good time no matter who you hurt in this world, go from sex partner to sex partner, and it’s okay because of who I am.” Ouch!

Torrie and SableBrady is not alone. The church has also selected retired Serbian basketball player Marko Jaric because of his crime of being “engaged to Victoria’s Secret supermodel Adriana Lima.” The cad!

Also on the list are wrestler Torrie Wilson who “committed an abomination by kissing a female wrester ‘Sable’ on the lips.”

Joakim Noah of the Chicago Bulls is there because he “has long hair, which is disobedient to the Word of God.” Didn’t Jesus have kind of a pony tail?

Rounding out the bottom of the list is Arizona Cardinals backup quarterback Matt Leinart for “teaching teenagers not to save themselves for their spouse, but to live it up because you only live life once.” Yeah … so?

Adam Archuleta and Jennifer WalcottBut my favorite is former St. Louis Ram Adam Archuleta. This poor sap lost his job with the winless Rams and is now toiling for the Las Vegas Locomotives of this new football league called the United Football League, which for a former NFL player has got to be hell on earth. But no, the Amazing Grace Baptist Church wants to send Archuleta to the great down under because he’s “engaged to a Playboy Playmate, Jennifer Walcott. They have one son. This is called fornication, and we all know what their son is called, the same thing the Bible calls him.”

I’m hoping it’s Bob, but my good sense says that’s not what the church was thinking of.

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October 20, 2009 | by fathead | Leave Comment

Jesus, Crazy LiberalWe’ve all used, or at the very least, heard of Wikipedia—the user sustained “free encyclopedia” on the Web. Well, thanks to columnist Leonard Pitts of the Miami Herald, I have discovered the right wing version of Wikipedia—Conservapedia: The Trustworthy Encyclopedia.”

Wait a minute, you say … you didn’t realize that there needed to be a right-wing version of Wikipedia? Well, that’s probably because you’re a liberal commie socialist who agrees with all those so-called “facts” and “authenticated research” that pollutes Wikipedia. You see, according to the people behind Conservapedia, Wikipedia is a bastion of liberalism which is poisoning our country’s collective minds.

Conservapedia, however, aims to put the truth out, as long as it agrees with a viewpoint shared by the religious right. As Pitts writes, “You may judge Conservapedia’s own bias by reading its definition of liberal: ’someone who rejects logical and biblical standards. There are no coherent liberal standards; often a liberal is merely someone who craves attention, and who uses many words to say nothing.”

Since I don’t want to be accused of using many words to say nothing (although readers of my past columns may agree that description is dead on), I will just provide a little info on Conservapedia.

The founder of Conservapedia is none other than Andrew Schlafly, son of ultra-conservative spokeswoman Phylllis Schlafly (you might remember her from my column on the conservative “hottie” calendar). Anyhoo, this wingnut has come up with a site that is true comic gold—the “Comstock Lode” of humor as it were. Check out the “Debate Topics” section on their website. There are 19 topics listed under the heading “philosophical debates,” six listed under “historical debates,” six more under “humorous debates” (example – Was the shooting at Virginia Tech somehow President Bush’s fault? – seriously, they think that’s humorous?), 65 topics listed under “religious debates” and a whopping 88 topics under the heading “political debates” with the last topic being “Is Obama an Athiest?”

Conservatizing the BibleThe other thing that Schlafly and his band of loonies are doing is rewriting the Bible. Yes, rewriting the Bible. According to Pitts’ article, the Conservative Bible Project proposes to “correct the Bible by creating a new translation based upon 10 principles … and to exclude ‘liberal passages’ they say were inserted into the original text. One such would be the well-known story of the adulterous woman brought before Christ by a crowd eager to see her punished; Jesus says the one without sin should cast the first stone.”

That darn Jesus—what a crazy liberal he was!

So if Wikipedia is a left-wing liberal whorehouse, and Conservapedia is an ultra-right wing, religious clusterfuck, where do fair-minded moderates go for accurate, unbiased information?

Seriously, where do we go? I’ll take my answer off the air…

Featured, Funny & Random, List Mania, Movies »

October 8, 2009 | by Warren | 2 Comments

Video games are an active medium. You play them. You’re involved. Your actions decide the outcome. Movies are passive. You sit, you watch. No matter what you do, the outcome is always the same. (Begin Sarcasm) How could combining these two possibly go wrong? (End Sarcasm)

Right now you’re thinking, “Warren, picking the 10 best movies based on video games is like picking the 10 best turds in the litter box.” Exactly! I didn’t want this to be easy. Anybody can pick the best of the best or the worst of the worst. I decided to pick the best of the worst…and not in an ironic way. Since these are all horrible films, I needed to find other criteria in which to like these movies. What have I gotten myself into?

#10-#6 OK, I give up.  There is no way I can find 10 movies worth picking.  Let’s just go straight to #5 and hope for the best..

Lara_Croft_film#5 Tomb Raider- This mess of a movie lacked all the fun and adventure that made the games so great. The games where what the Indiana Jones games SHOULD have been (I’ll save horrible games based on movies for another time). So how did this flaming mess make the list?  Two reasons: One, I needed a fifth film because I wasn’t going to do a “Top 4 List”. Two, Angelina Jolie is HOT in this movie. I know it’s a sexist reason, but I’m desperate for reasons at this point.

#4 Hitman – I love the Hitman series of games. It’s not about blasting everybody in sight (although at times it’s necessary). hitman Most missions require a certain finesse. Sneaking up on your target without making a sound and escaping unnoticed. The movie, in some ways captures this feel. The story is cliché. Agent 47 (played by the miscast Timothy Olyphant of Deadwood fame) is set up for a crime he didn’t commit…er, actually, he’s set up for NOT committing a crime he should have committed. Basically ignore the story and take the movie in as a series of action packed events.

silenthillposter#3 Silent Hill – For the record, I never finished the game Silent Hill. I was to scared. It is easily the scariest game I ever played. I could only attempt it during the day with all the lights on. Certain parts of the movie capture that creepiness. The transformation of the town, the monsters, the music and sound (much of it from the game). Sadly, like the other movies on this list, the story is a mess. Something to do with a town burning down and the revenge of 90’s rappers…oh wait, that’s Cypress Hill.
(more…)

Featured, News & Politics, Political Humor »

October 1, 2009 | by fathead | 4 Comments

Carrie Prejean

Leave it to Republicans to screw up yet another American tradition—the pin-up calendar.

For the fifth year in a row, the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute (CBLPI), a conservative women’s group, is putting out its annual Great American Conservative Women Calendar. And if you haven’t heard yet, the list of what I guess Republicans consider “hotties” is about as big a boner-killer as I can imagine.

Leading the pack is defrocked Miss America Carrie Prejean. Yes she’s kind of hot, in a plastic, fake sort of way. Not to say I wouldn’t consider having a quickie with her…as long as she kept her mouth shut.

After Prejean, who is actually quoted as saying “As a former beauty queen, it’s refreshing to be taken seriously,” the list gets really, really scary:

Michele BachmannMichelle Bachman – This Republican representative from the otherwise clear-thinking state of Minnesota has been described as “bat-shit crazy” on more than one occasion. Think of Glenn Close’s character in Fatal Attraction … only loonier.

Bay Buchanan – Yes, that’s right, Bay Buchanan. At the ripe age of 62, Bay is considered one of the younger set in the Republican party. All I can say is “eeewww.”

Michelle Malkin – Showing that conservatives are a “big tent” sort of group, Malkin represents the hot little Asian who we’ve all fantasized about. Too bad she’s a screeching banshee.

Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter – Wait a minute, I thought this was a calendar featuring only women?

Star Parker – More big tent stuff. Star Parker is an African-American woman who is a strong proponent of conservative causes, such as being anti-abortion…forgetting the fact that she herself has had four abortions.

And my favorite, Phyllis Schlafly … that’s right, Phyllis Schlafly. But wait, I hear you cry, isn’t Phyllis Schlafly dead? No, but at the tender age of 85, she makes Bay Buchanan actually “doable.”
(more…)

Funny Videos, News & Politics, Political Humor »

September 22, 2009 | by peter andersen | Leave Comment

A united Hollywood comes to the defense of our insurance companies in this satiric video featuring Will Ferrell, Jon Hamm, Olivia Wilde, and other celebrities.