I’m not going to hell.
I live a pretty moral life overall—I’m good to my wife and kids, I volunteer in the community, I love animals, etc. So I don’t think I’m hellbound.
Not because of the things I mentioned, but because frankly, I don’t think there will be any room down there what with all these professional athletes clogging up the system.
That’s right, a bunch of professional athletes are all headin’ to the land of fire and brimstone, according to the Amazing Grace Baptist Church of North Carolina. The church recently released a list of professional athletes that should be prepared for a future of devils, fiends, demons, and tax collectors.
Topping the Index of Ungodly Athletes is none other than that despicable, horrific human being, Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. According to the church, Brady is number one with a bullet because he “is teaching us to have sex outside of marriage, to commit fornication, don’t marry and do the right thing, don’t take responsibility for your actions, have a good time no matter who you hurt in this world, go from sex partner to sex partner, and it’s okay because of who I am.” Ouch!
Brady is not alone. The church has also selected retired Serbian basketball player Marko Jaric because of his crime of being “engaged to Victoria’s Secret supermodel Adriana Lima.” The cad!
Also on the list are wrestler Torrie Wilson who “committed an abomination by kissing a female wrester ‘Sable’ on the lips.”
Joakim Noah of the Chicago Bulls is there because he “has long hair, which is disobedient to the Word of God.” Didn’t Jesus have kind of a pony tail?
Rounding out the bottom of the list is Arizona Cardinals backup quarterback Matt Leinart for “teaching teenagers not to save themselves for their spouse, but to live it up because you only live life once.” Yeah … so?
But my favorite is former St. Louis Ram Adam Archuleta. This poor sap lost his job with the winless Rams and is now toiling for the Las Vegas Locomotives of this new football league called the United Football League, which for a former NFL player has got to be hell on earth. But no, the Amazing Grace Baptist Church wants to send Archuleta to the great down under because he’s “engaged to a Playboy Playmate, Jennifer Walcott. They have one son. This is called fornication, and we all know what their son is called, the same thing the Bible calls him.”
I’m hoping it’s Bob, but my good sense says that’s not what the church was thinking of.