A bunch of professional athletes are all headin’ to the land of fire and brimstone, according to the Amazing Grace Baptist Church of North Carolina. The church recently released a list of professional athletes that should be prepared for a future of devils, fiends, demons and tax collectors.

Topping the list is none other than that despicable, horrific human being, Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. According to the church, Brady is number one with a bullet because he “is teaching us to have sex outside of marriage, to commit fornication, don’t marry and do the right thing, don’t take responsibility for your actions, have a good time no matter who you hurt in this world, go from sex partner to sex partner, and it’s okay because of who I am.” Ouch!

A loony band of right-wing revisionists are now busy rewriting the Bible. Yes, rewriting the Bible.

The Conservative Bible Project — brought to you by the same delusional brain trust behind Conservapedia — seeks to correct the Bible by excluding “liberal passages” which they claim were inserted into the original text. One such passage flagged for deletion is the well-known story of the adulterous woman brought before Christ by a crowd eager to see her punished, where Jesus says the one without sin should cast the first stone.

That darn Jesus—what a crazy liberal he was!

Leave it to Republicans to screw up yet another American tradition—the pin-up calendar.

For the fifth year in a row, the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute (CBLPI), a conservative women’s group, is putting out its fifth annual Great American Conservative Women Calendar.

And if you haven’t heard yet, the list of what I guess Republicans consider “hotties” is about as big a boner-killer as I can imagine.

Straight up, I’m a fan of President Obama. I think he has the potential to be one of the best—he’s thoughtful, articulate, intelligent, and dare I say it, seems to want to improve this country.

But the other night during his health care speech to both houses of Congress, I hate to say it, but the man shit the bed. He needed to stop with the polite talk, and communicate in a way the people of this country could understand.

Here’s the speech he should have given…

There’s a new report out that Bob Dylan is in negotiations with two different car companies to provide the voice for the GPS system installed in the manufacturers’ cars.

Now it doesnt take a genius to quickly come up with a few great examples of what Dylan’s GPS directions might sound like. Certainly Highway 61 would figure prominently, as would Lonely Avenue and Desolation Road. Most of his instructions would provide “No direction home.” And finally, when the driver was completely lost, the Dylan-voiced GPS would ask, “What’s a sweetheart like you, doing in a dump like this?”

We here at Kind of a Lark try to look at life around us with a different view. Sometimes the situation is humorous to begin with, so it takes little more than a recitation of the facts, a couple of smart-ass comments, and a closing zinger to make the column sparkle like a new car. Or just using the words “Sarah Palin” usually gets a laugh.
Other times, however, the subject is more serious and it is difficult to find the humor that is sometimes buried several layers below the surface.
I’m …

As a California state employee, I am just giddy that our governor and legislature have at long last agreed on a budget a mere three weeks after it was due, and about six months past when they should have had it done. Kudos to all of them for a job poorly done!
Part of the deal to cut spending, and this is where California is not alone, is the use of furlough days. California used to be the leader in so many things, but now we are the leader in screwing …

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the horrible state of our economy and frankly, am not completely satisfied with either the Democrats or the Republicans ideas. It’s obvious that after all the stimulus spending is done, this government is going to need to figure out a way to cut expenses. But everything I’ve heard so far is too limited in scope and won’t have the effect that’s needed. What needs to happen won’t occur with a scalpel—it’s going to take a machete. Like I say, I’ve given it a lot of thought and I think I’ve come up with a solution that almost everyone will agree with.

Get rid of Alabama.

It seems that lately, things have been changing so fast that I’m having a hard time keeping up to speed.
Here’s what I mean. I’m not much of a traveler. I will catch a flight now and then to Southern California, but the last time I took any sort of real plane flight was a pretty long time ago.
So I had to take a cross country trip last week on an airline that shall remain nameless (rhymes with “Shoenited”). I was only going to be gone for a couple of days …

With apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the governor that day,
The media mob was gathered to hear all he had to say;
So when he spoke of Christian values, and how it made him feel,
A pall-like silence fell as they heard the whole schlemiel.

The governor, his brow with sweat, began to ramble on,
He spoke of love forbidden and waking up at dawn
He spoke of hiking up and down, the Appalachian trail,
When in his heart he knew down deep, that this was just a tale.

I have very few vices. I don’t smoke, I rarely drink, and I’ve never done drugs.
But I do like to play poker, and I do like to do it online.
Unfortunately, thanks to HR 5767, a thing called the Unlawful Interstate Gambling Enforcement Act that was passed a couple years back, it has become infinitely more difficult for me to partake in this particular pastime.
The UIGEA was the brainchild of Republicans Bill Frist and John Kyl, a couple of senators who decided, I guess, that it was their duty to make …

I was reading the paper the other day about the many challenges President Obama currently faces; from the economy to terrorism and all points in between. The article keenly pointed out the many worldwide conflicts that Obama and thus, the United States, are involved with in one way or another:
• Iraq vs. Iraq
• Iran vs. U.S.
• Afghanistan vs. U.S.
• North Korea vs. Everyone
• Israel vs. Arab World
• Pakistan vs. India
And so on.
It got me thinking that for a guy who’s only been in office less than six months, this seemed like an awful lot to ask …

My 10-year old daughter got me to do something this past year that I had never done before.
Watch “American Idol.”
It started innocently enough one day when she asked me if I knew who Kris Allen was.
“Isn’t he that new second baseman for the Cardinals?” I responded.
“What about Adam Lambert?” she asked.
“Outfielder for the Orioles, right? Good speed, but not much in the field?”
She rolled her eyes and breathed a heavy sigh that all 10-year olds instinctively know how to do when their parent says something stupid and took me …

What I’m going to say might be considered blasphemy, or at the very least, unpatriotic. But here goes …
I’m fucking sick of tattoos.
There I said it. Call me a heathen, a prude, or an outcast, but I’ve had it up to here with tattoos. Everywhere I look, I see them. And I’m sick of it.
Back in the old days (I’m old, so I’m allowed to say shit like that) tattoos were reserved for bad dudes and Popeye. And in the big scheme of things, I could handle that—the sailor who …