Straight up, I’m a fan of President Obama. I think he has the potential to be one of the best—he’s thoughtful, articulate, intelligent, and dare I say it, seems to want to improve this country.

But the other night during his health care speech to both houses of Congress, I hate to say it, but the man shit the bed. He needed to stop with the polite talk, and communicate in a way the people of this country could understand.

This is how I wish that evening had transpired:

Obama: Good evening. Tonight I’d like to talk to you about a crisis that is facing this country. A crisis of immense proportions—one that could bankrupt our country if we don’t deal honestly and quickly with it. I’m talking, of course, about health care.

(Democrats applaud. Republicans sit silently)

Obama: I’d like to thank my good friend Republican Orin Hatch for his help with previous health care legislation. I’d also like to thank John McCain for his suggestions on how better to improve Medicare.

(Democrats applaud. Republicans sit silently, except for McCain who attempts a smile)

Obama: I want to assure you of a few things. First off, Sarah Palin is a whack job. There ain’t no such thing as a “death panel,” just like there wasn’t any such thing as a marriage between Bristol and Levi.

Secondly, Eric Kantor, if you keep text messaging while I’m speaking, I’m going to take your BlackBerry and shove it up your ass.

Third, I want to assure you that illegal immigrants will not be covered by my health care plan…and finally…

(Voice in the crowd): LIAR!

Obama: …say what? Who said that?

(crowd mumbles)

Obama: Come on, don’t be a pussy, stand up and identify yourself!

(man stands meekly)

Obama: What’s your name?

Wilson:Joe Wilson, Mr. President.

Obama: Oh, so now it’s all “Mr. President?” A second ago it was “Liar!” And what the hell is it you do Joe Wilson?

Wilson: I am a Republican representative from the state of South Carolina.

Obama: (laughs) No shit, now there’s a surprise. You got something to say Mr. Joe Wilson? If so, get your ass down here and say it. Otherwise, sit your cracker-ass down in that seat and keep your pie-hole shut.

(Democrats applaud. Republicans collectively pee in their pants)

Wilson: It’s just that the bill says…

Obama: The bill says what? There ain’t no bill yet you dumbass! We got five different committees working on this thing. Weren’t you listening man? I’m introducing my plan right now!

Wilson: But the amendments that got voted down…

Obama: (grabs crotch) I got your amendments right here! Now sit the fuck down! Now as I was saying, if you like your current health plan, keep it. If you can’t afford a plan, or you’ve been dropped from a plan, then this is an option. And in the long run, it will save the country money. God bless you, and God bless the United States.

(Democrats and Republicans applaud…except for Kantor who is trying to remove the Blackberry from his ass).