If you’ve ever thought about boasting about your sex life or complaining about your boss on Facebook, you might want to think again.

We don’t if all of these are legit, but here are the funniest Facebook status updates we’ve come across this year that went horribly (and hilariously) awry.

1. Dave says remember: some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.
2. Jacob says if at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you
3. Emma used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything
4. Lizz has advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
5. Max got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”